Marching On

Odds and sods

There is a full moon tonight, and as usual, the animals can sense it.

Ellie is walking around crying.  She doesn't really seem to want anything but to hear the sound of her own voice.  Zach snuck upstairs to see what was up and is now following her as she goes from room to room.  He hasn't realised that I know he is up here.

I can't blame him.  Lila's response to a full moon is predictable.  She won't share her toys with Zach and she likes to try to eat his ears.  She's downstairs alone watching America's Next Top Model, and barking at Miss J Alexander.  I can't blame her - why the fuck does he call himself that?

The boy cats alternate between rampaging round my bedroom or sleeping.  There is no middle ground for them.  Holly and Willow watch disdainfully from my bed.  They don't care what the moon is doing - it is welcome to do whatever it pleases as long as it doesn't disturb them.

And there is the first crash of the evening.  Ellie has managed to get the ladder from the Boy's loftbed off.

I had my blood test yesterday.  The Baron got a little stroppy because I wouldn't let him in the cubicle with me.  I cope better alone, and I find that when he is trying to distract me, I am acutely aware that I am being distracted and will focus on why.  Alone, I just watch the needle go in unfettered.

It was quite convenient since he had his follow up appointment with the surgeon who kindly de-appendicised him.  He got the all clear and was told to bugger off and to not darken their doorway again.  Well, they didn't say THAT, but they did say he didn't need to come back again.

Bloody good thing, really.  I read today that Patientline, who provide the in hospital TV and phone service, are putting up their call charges by 160%.  The greedy fuckers, already £80million in debt, spent £160million installing these new systems (that aren't that reliable) and want to recoup their investment.  So they are targetting a vulnerable and captive audience in order to do so.  What scum bags. 

Anyway, I digress.  I should get my results back on Tuesday and we can see if my thyroid malfunctions.  My mother's does, and I fully expect mine to pack in service one of these days and retire to the Carribean.  I wouldn't really blame it.

The Boy is currently on holiday with his Dad.  I'm a bit lost without him, although the peace and quiet is nice.  At least in theory.  Zach is now crying along with Ellie.  If it wasn't so damn annoying, it would be quite harmonious.  The Boy...oh yes, he is in Cornwall.  They went to the beach today, and the Boy's new (half) brother, aged ten weeks, got to put his feet in the sand for the first time.  Apparently that gave him the giggles.

That will have to do for now.  My cursor is dancing round the screen of its own accord and is frankly pissing me off.  I'm off to drown my sorrows with a nice bottle of red.

Toodles.

For Sale

Item 1: One slightly damaged rottweiler (furless paws, electrical burn on tongue).

Aged 21 months, female.  Enjoys bullying puppies, eating wires, and barking at the television.  Very stroppy and prone to dribbling.

Item 2: One black labrador, good as new.

Aged 8 months, male.  Believes he is a cat.  Also enjoys eating electrical equipment. Has a history of knocking things over with his tail.

Item 3: One black cat, reasonable condition.

Aged nearly 4 years, male, incredibly stupid.  He believes he is invisible.  'Nuff said.

Item 4: One tortoiseshell cat, excellent condition.

Aged three years, female.  Very very very vocal.  Enjoys headbutting, crying and winding up dogs.  Scatters kibble over the entire kitchen.

Item 5: One fat orange cat, damaged ears, legs and bowel.

Age unknown, male.  Grumpy.  Enjoys sitting on the bath mat and laying in the sun.

Item 6: One tabby cat, damaged.

Age unknown, female.  Missing one eye, several inches of tail and a lot of brain cells.  Will watch food cook in the oven.  Enjoys attacking quilts.

Item 7: One tabby cat, good condition.

Age unknown, but old.  Female.  Enjoys beating up cats, dogs and unsuspecting humans.

Item 8: One ginormous white cat, missing fur and teeth.

Age unknown, male.  Will eat entire body weight in food on a daily basis if allowed.

Animal instinct

The Monsters know that I am sad.

Lila wants have contact with me at all times.  She is guarding my feet right now.  I put my hand down to stroke her reassuringly solid head, and am rewarded with a warm lick.

Zach is on my other side, his weight firm against my leg.  His tail thumps every time I look at  him.

Both follow me everywhere.  They stick close together, as if to reassure themselves that things are ok.  Little and Large, although Little is not that little anymore.

Charlie, Frankie and Ozzie are my constant companions in bed.  Charlie takes my left arm and shoulder, Ozzie the right, and Frankie takes my chest. 

Since I am having some sleeping problems at the moment, this isn't as annoying as it sounds.  It is calming to lay in the dark, hearing and feeling the purrs of my three contented boys.  Their presence is soothing.

Willow lays next to my right leg.  Holly grudgingly takes my left leg.  She'd rather be on my left shoulder, but Charlie nearly always gets there first and doesn't fight with the nearby boys.  Both purr quietly.  Holly bops me when she senses I am awake and not talking to her.

Ellie doesn't like to be on the bed with the other cats, but she jumps up in the night to check that all is well on her way to her favourite windowsill spot.  If the boys have moved, she will lay on my chest for a while whilst headbutting my hand.

I feel surrounded by furry love.

Question and Answer

1.   Why are puppies so cute?

So you don't kill them when they eat:

• Your house telephone;
• The blanket you have been knitting for weeks;
• Cat shit;
• The piano stool;
• The Darth Vader water feature that lives in your pond; and
• The fish that live in your pond.  OK, he didn't eat them, but he keeps getting in to sniff them.

2.   Why do rottweilers have such thick necks?

So you can't strangle them when they help your puppy to eat the aforementioned items.

3.   Where do all the Jaffa Cakes go?

In my tummy.  I am a Jaffaholic.

4.   How did Lila break her toe?

Fuck knows.  That dog is a mystery.

5.   Why am I such a lazy blogger?

Because I spend most of my time at home these days trying to stop the wave of destruction named Zach :)

The Hell Hound

We went back to the vets. 

Given that her foot clearly was causing her pain, it was perhaps inevitable that she reacted badly to having it poked again.  Personally, I would have expected growls and an attempted arm removal, but this vet was more optimistic than I.

I like this vet a lot as she is not just knowledgeable about cats and dogs, but is also very open to owner research and holistic medicine.  However, I find holding a conversation whilst looking at her quite hard.  She is crossed eyed.  Perhaps she had trouble focusing on Lila's menacingly bared teeth....

After a swiftly terminated poke, a large muzzle was provided.  Sadly, Lila is adept at removing them and the poking ceased almost as quickly as it commenced.  Lila was simply not having her foot touched and that was that.

We decided that the best way to proceed was to knock her out.  A large hammer was found and we repeatedly hit her on the head until she passed out. 

I may have made that last bit up.

We made an appointment for the following day.  Lila was duly starved and returned to the vets the next morning.  She hopped out of the car with a surprising amount of glee for a dog at the vets again with a sore foot.

Things didn't start promisingly. 

Lila refused to climb on the weighing scales.  Last time she was weighed she was 37 kilos, but that was a little while ago and without an accurate weight, giving her anaesthetic would be problematic.  It was decided to go ahead with a sedative and weight her later.

A puppy had been brought in as an emergency.  She had constipation and was howling mournfully as she underwent repeated enema's. 

Lila was supposed to be getting sleepy, but instead she was getting agitated by the puppy's cries.  We were taken to an empty consulting room where I sat on the floor with her and helped her give in to the effects of the sedative.

The idea of the sedative was to relax her, weigh her, walk her through to the X Ray room and lightly anaesthetise her.

The best plans are those that work.  This plan had a fundamental flaw which was very quickly discovered.  Lila had been given a leeetttllleee too much sedative and was not going to be walking anywhere.

After crapping all over the floor, Lila fell into a deep slumber from which she was reluctant to stir.  One well known problem with this sedative is that dogs can appear to be deeply asleep, but can come round extremely quickly, bite whoever is nearest in their confusion, and then drop off into another snooze.  Sleeping Beauty was therefore muzzled again.

(I wish they had told me about that before her spay and hernia repair.  That would have saved me some nice facial bruising.)

So Lila was carted off the the X Ray machine on a stretcher.  No anaesthetic was given as she was so out of it.  I picked her up no more than two hours after I left her.

She spent the rest of the day trying to stay awake and failing miserably.  She would start to chew her bone (a bone that Zach covets and is not allowed) and fall asleep mid chew.  Zach would pinch it with glee and sneak away for a quiet chew. 

The upshot of all this drama? 

The stupid bloody dog has a broken toe. 

Situation normal

So the Easter break went well.

Naturally, since the vets were shut, Lila felt the need to injure her leg.  We think she twisted it whilst playing with Zach.

She won't put weight on it, she growls menacingly if you touch it and she randomly cries.  Not like my big strapping girl at all.

So off to the emergency vet we went.  They love us too.  We spend a fair bit there as well.

Since they couldn't find anything wrong, they gave her some painkillers roughly the size of horse tablets and she has spent the last three days zonked out.  She is still in pain, so back we go later.

I didn't even need to give my name on the phone.

Wheee.......!

Big Dog pushed Little Dog into the pond. I suspect Big Dog was scared by the frog that has taken up residence, and tried to use Little Dog as a diversion whilst she legged it.

He didn't mind. He came running in, soaking wet, tail wagging, and looking very pleased with himself. Nothing fazes that dog. Not even Darth Lila trying to swing him round by his tail.

She has a fascination with tails. I don't blame her, since she is ill equpped in the tail department herself, but the cats do get a little narked when she tries to hold theirs in her mouth.

Zach does take enormous liberties with her, much as she did with her uncle. He clambers all over her, bites her face and her legs (and then runs away very quickly) and steals her toys. Then again, much like Harvey, Lila truly believes that all toys belong to her anyway. She will remove any toy that Zach has in his mouth as a matter of principle. He then gets another, and whilst she takes that, he runs off with the original toy that he really wanted and sits under the table.

Lila is far too huge to fit under the table these days. Lila is a big girl now, and weighs nearly seven stone.

But they love each other. They are inseparable, my Little and Large.

Toxic Farts

I am being gassed out.

I now have two dogs with toxic farts.  Eeeewwww.  The cats are hiding upstairs to escape the clouds of noxious gases the pair of them are emitting, and I am sorely tempted to do the same.

Added to that the fact that Lila has a major tizzy every single time Zach even looks at one of her toys.  Please note that all toys belong to Lila, even those I bought for Zach.  She doesn't do sharing at all.

Other than that, the pair get on fine.  They have a shared love of eating, farting, and generally being in the way that will see them past their toy difficulties.

Zach

Lila is in love.

My mind is gone

Lila has a live in playmate :)